You may have noticed my presence on Facebook exists for the sole purpose of promoting my blog and most importantly, driving attention-starved “friends” to a blubbering puddle of tears whenever possible. Let me exploit some of these people that fall into this camp of obnoxious and systematically tear them apart — and justify why it is perfectly acceptable to do so.
Note: These obnoxious people are both men and women, so I will alternate frequently between both genders to distribute equal amounts of hatred.
1. The Painfully Vague Melodramatic
Also known as “Vaguebooking” this person says just enough to let the world of Facebook know that something is upsetting them, and you need to ask further questions to find out what. Open-ended statements like “I guess no one cares…”, “This sucks…”, and “Time for a major change…” By itself this ambiguous drivel means absolutely nothing, which is the point, the poster wants you to be so interested in their latest melodrama that you will respond with, “I’m soooo sorry! Give me a call and tell me what’s wrong!” Or, “You are an amazing person, don’t get down on yourself, I’ll come to your house with chicken soup and blow fairy dust up your ass.”
They take the bait, painfully often.
I carefully replace the bait with a giant black dildo then tug on the line.
My response looks a little something like this:
2. The body image problem
“Gaaawwwd, we look so ugly in this pic…”, “I don’t even know why I am posting this horrible pic!!” I’ll tell you why, because you are shamelessly fishing for compliments, and would probably blow the first homeless man that calls you pretty when you can’t find a date on Valentine’s Day. You aren’t fooling anyone, we all know you scrutinized that selfie for two hours whilst Photoshopping the magazine-perfect lighting to hide your bad complexion before uploading.
If you truly thought it was a terrible pic, would you be constipating my feed with pictures of yourself stuffed into a pencil miniskirt like a breakfast sausage? The only response you are looking for is painfully transparent, and it follows this formula, “Shut…Up! You girls are sooo hawt”, “You girls are gorgeous…JELLY!” And note all these responses are ALWAYS from their female friends.
My response would look at little something like this:
3. The healthy food pictures
Congratulations, you stuff your face hole with kale like a vegan Rancor. What in the hell makes you think we all want to look at your gluten-free, vegan, free range tree bark every morning? This person can frequently be observed starting frequent “health kicks” in which they decide to share with the world how incredibly health-conscious they have been for the last 3 and-a-half days. It says, “Not only am I earth conscious and healthy, but I have so much more discipline than you. Everyone celebrate my existence.”
If you must must show the world your eating habits at least make it entertaining. Like a GIF of you gnawing on a bloody hunk of raw meat.
4. The Crossfit update
If social media had hemorrhoids, it would be the people who just started a Crossfit or Bootcamp workout regimen. It would be bad enough if Rick McMeathead stopped at force-feeding us his workout logs, but he also posts inspiring-to-nobody workout jargon like “Dig deeper”, and “I get the most out of my body, do you?”
Nobody wants to watch a 30 second clip of you rolling around a tractor tire like a Cro-Magnon, get over yourself.
5. The relationship update
Never share your relationship on social media. Why? Because it’s nobody’s fucking business. And unless you want some troll like myself to hurt your feelings when you are desperately starved for attention, you shouldn’t do it.
My favorite time to strike is when I see a relationship status update at 1:27 in the morning: “Jenny is now single.” So… this clearly couldn’t wait until morning? The second her argument with Rick McMeathead ended at 1:25am Jenny made a mad dash to the laptop, hurdling coffee tables and pole vaulting across hallways to get. that. status. updated. I need sympathy and I need it NOW!
I’m GOING to make fun of you.
Social media is a pathetic cry for attention. This is not the place to solicit sympathy and/or start a war with your ex. Let me share a recent exchange with a fellow Facebook “friend.”
Friend: I guess I’m single now… (Always with the dot dot dot.)
Me: Well, if you weren’t sure before, you can be positive this post sure did the trick!
Friend: Your really nice
Me: You misspelled “you’re.”
Friend: Your cool
No shit. I actually deleted her.
6. The throw-up-in-your-mouth corny update
“I just wanted to say I love my baby [insert tagged girlfriend] so much. These have been the best 7 years of my life and I don’t know what I would ever do without you. You are my best friend and my sunshine. My everything.”
I just threw up in my pocket. Mr. Rogers just threw up in his pocket. This is fucking disgusting. Underground hardcore porn images would be more appropriate. There is no reason to advertise the level of your pussywhipped-itude any more than you already do in public. If you want to show your girlfriend how much you love her, do it in private. You know, where it actually means something and your ulterior motive isn’t to show the world what an amazing boyfriend you are.
7 . The pictures of your baby
I get it, you are a new parent and are totally gigglefits over your sticky little amoeba. But guess what, your baby looks like a blob, and I don’t want to look at the same blobby picture 63 times with different filters. And it’s doubly annoying when you make your PROFILE PICTURE a headshot of your ugly baby. I came here to see hot pictures of you and your friends at the river, not look at your little monkey chewing on a Lincoln Log.
8. The profoundly inspirational advice (that’s really only for the poster).
“Always live life for yourself, and nobody else.” People actually think up these presumptive nuggets of crap and think we are going to give them two seconds of consideration. “Wow, Ryan is really thoughtful. I should incorporate YOLO into my daily life” — said no one ever. In reality we are all thinking “Goddammit, this mouth-breather is trying to be profound again. It’s like watching a child discover his hand for the first time.”
9. The walkaway threat
“I’m deleting my account.”
No you aren’t. You just want us all to try to convince you not to because you bring so much value to their social media lives. I say delete your account, find a six foot length of rope, a sturdy beam, and an un-sturdy chair.